OLD HEFFER'S ALMANAC 2005

SIMON HEFFER OFFERS SOME LIGHT-HEARTED PREDICTIONS

Yet again Simon Heffer has hit the squarely nail on the head with his predictions for 2005. This is from his column in The Daily Mail and needs to be kept for posterity.

AN ATTEMPT to stage Shakespeare's Othello in the West End is abandoned after riot police are called in to quell disturbances prompted by the depiction of a black man as a jealous psychopath. Various government ministers helpfully observe that Shakespeare is ‘outdated' and ‘backward-looking'. Several Iraqis manage to vote in their long awaited elections, shortly before being shot. Boris Johnson's reputation as a superstud comes into question after he issues a statement admitting he never slept with his boss, Kimberly Quinn.

DETAILED plans are leaked concerning the next Coronation. To avoid any religious connotations, or any solemnity, it is to be held in the Millennium Dome. The Royal Family are said to be ‘delighted' that the most sacred moment will come when the Biro of State is handed to the new King by Lord Falconer, dressed as a wizard, with which he signs his new rolling five-year contract. A multi-cultural reception will then be held in a tandoori restaurant in Stepney. A heavy police presence at what were intended to be the first illegal foxhunts leads to a new record being set for burglaries in England.

ANY celebration of Easter is now banned in 75 per cent of primary schools, in order not to give offence to any non-Christian children. The Archbishop of Canterbury, Dr Rowan Williams, breaks off from a three week conference on furthering homosexuality in the Church to say how much he welcomes such displays of sensitivity. Following an outcry from the Jewish community, scheduled performances of Shakespeare's Merchant Of Venice are called off because of its ‘negative' view of Shylock. Militant Muslims then firebomb the theatre, accusing its management of cowardice.

THE campaign for the General Election gets into full swing. However, for security reasons, Home Secretary Charles Clarke bans most campaigning by parties other than Labour. The Tory Party splits after Michael Howard agrees with Mr Clarke ‘so as not to be seen to be soft on terrorism'. He also continues with the tradition of refusing to let Shadow Chancellor Oliver Letwin out on the election trail in case he says something honest.

AFTER A lengthy risk assessment by the Health and Safety Executive, the public is allowed to vote in the General Election. Only 45 per cent bother to do so. A clean sweep by the Liberal Democrats in Labour's industrial heartland leaves Mr Blair forming a coalition with Charles Kennedy. The Lib Dem leader becomes Foreign Secretary. David Blunkett attacks Mr Blair for this, insisting that he was the man with most experience of foreign affairs — particularly Ugandan ones — and, having been out of office for five whole months, deserved a comeback. John Prescott becomes Leader of the Lords, and starts to take English lessons.

THE latest series of TV's I'm A Celebrity is derailed when the wives of all the male contestants ban them from spending time in the jungle with one of the women participants, Kimberly Quinn. As the identities of the 24th, 25th and 26th men are revealed, the producers despair of ever being able to make up the numbers for the show. At Wimbledon, an 11-year-old Russian beats Tim Henman in the semi-finals, but Tiger Tim threatens to be back next year anyway. Charles Clarke rushes through implementation of microchipped, electronically-tagged ID cards, enabling permanent surveillance by the state of every law-abiding Briton with a right to be here.

THE coalition government staggers on, with the Lib Dem members demanding at least three different policies to run simultaneously, just so they can be consistent with the principles they held while in Opposition. Police decide to take no action against Prince Harry for beating up two photographers who tried to snap him romping with girlfriend Chelsy Davy in the gardens of Buckingham Palace after the men are revealed to be his uncle, Prince Andrew, and his grandmother's cousin, Lord Lichfield. Paris, having bribed the International Olympic Committee more than any other country, gets to host the 2012 Olympics.

A 101 PER CENT pass in Alevels, including several by domestic pets, is praised by new Schools Commissar David Miliband as final proof of Britain's brilliant education system. The presence of 19 grammatical errors and 41 spelling mistakes in his five-paragraph press release on the subject are dismissed as ‘computer difficulties'. An Edinburgh Festival performance of Macbeth is called off after representations from militant groups of Scottish nationalists, feminists and witches. London's new police chief, Sir Ian Blair, announces that crime has fallen to record lows in his first six months after advice to his officers not to treat burglary or mugging as an offence unless accompanied by clear evidence of racist or homophobic attitudes.

AFTER an outcry from race equality groups, all pubs called the Saracen's Head are ordered to be re-named the Spirit of Multi-cultural Awareness. The Queen, acting on the advice of her ministers, agrees it would also be a good idea in the interests of ‘modernisation' to find alternative names for the Queen's Head, the King's Arms and the Rose And Crown. Among those suggested are the Outreach Worker, the Gordon Brown and the Gay And Lesbian. With the new academic year, schools start to offer single motherhood both as a GCSE subject and career option.

FOLLOWING the party's near obliteration in the election, the Tory conference is held in a telephone box near Blackpool. The two representatives who attend are then predictably split over whether to continue Michael Howard's policy of agreeing with Labour wherever possible. The Beckhams, meanwhile, are hailed as ‘beacons of multiculturalism' after having their third child christened in a Methodist church by a Catholic priest, with all women at the ceremony (and Mr Beckham) wearing saris and uttering Buddhist chants.

AS THE Christmas shopping season gets under way, the most popular toy is Islamic Barbie, who comes covered in a burka. Her husband, al-Qen, comes complete with several other similar wives. The BBC is told that its charter will be renewed, subject to it giving guarantees to improve its avoidance of political bias. A promise from the director general to increase coverage of Right-wing policies to 5 per cent of news and current affairs airtime, and to double James Naughtie's slots on the Today programme, does the trick.

AFTER wide consultation with key faith groups — well, the Prime Minister — Home Secretary Charles Clarke announces that Christmas will be banned this year for security reasons. A pantomime performance of Treasure Island is called off after threats from animal and disabled rights' groups about the ‘unhelpful' depiction of Long John Silver as a rum-soaked criminal with a perverse interest in parrots.

Thanks Simon!! Keep up the good work.

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