Nelson
It's 200 years since Lord Nelson's famous naval victory over the
French and Spanish at the Battle of Trafalgar. To kick-start the
anniversary celebrations, an actor dressed as Nelson, posed for pictures
on
the River Thames at Greenwich.
But before he was allowed to board a RNLI Lifeboat, safety officials
made
him wear a lifejacket over his 19th. Century admiral's uniform.
How would Nelson and the country have fared if he had been subject to modern political correctness and health and
safety regulations? We would all be speaking French now!!
You are now on the deck of the recently renamed 'HMS Appeasement!'
Nelson - Give the order to hoist my signal Hardy.
Hardy - Aye Aye Sir
N - Hold on - that is not the signal I dictated to my signals officer.
H - Sorry Sir.
N - England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race,
gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What
gobbledegook is this?
H - Admiralty policy I'm afraid, Sir. We're an equal opportunities
employer
now. We had devils own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it
be
considered racist
N -Gadzooks, Hardy Hand me my pipe and tobacco.
H - Sorry Sir, All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free
working
environments.
N - In that case, break open a cask of rum. Let us splice the main
brace to
steel the men before battle.
H - The rum ration has been abolished Admiral. It's a part of
Governments
policy on binge drinking.
N - Good heavens Hardy, I suppose we had better get on with it. Full
speed
ahead.
H - I think you'll find there is a 4-knot speed limit on this stretch
of
water.
N - Dammit man, we are on the eve of the greatest sea fight in history.
We
must attack with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please!
H - That won't be possible Sir.
N - What?
H - Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest sir, No harness. They
say
that the rope ladder does not meet with regulations. They won't let
anyone
up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected.
N - Then get the ships' carpenter without delay, Hardy.
H - Unfortunately he's busy knocking up wheelchair access to the
fo'c'sle,
Admiral.
N - Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd.
H - Health and Safety again, Sir. We have to provide a barrier-free
environment for the differently abled.
N - Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even
to
hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by
playing
the disability card.
H - Actually Sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the
areas
of visual impairment and limb deficiency.
N -Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons.
H - A couple of problems there, too Sir. Health and Safety won't let
the
men aloft without crash helmets. And they don't want anyone breathing in
too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?
N - I've never heard of such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the
men
to stand by to engage the enemy.
H - The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.
N - What? This is mutiny.
H - It's not that Sir, It's just that they are afraid of being charged
for
murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of human rights
lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.
N - Then how are we supposed to sink the French and the Spanish?
H - Actually Sir, we're not!
N - We're not?
H - No Sir, The French and Spanish are our European partners now.
According
to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of
water. We could get hit with a huge claim for compensation.
N - But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.
H - I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying
that
Sir You could be up on a disciplinary.
N - But surely you must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of
your
King.
H - Not any more sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age.
Now
put on your Kevlar vest, it's the rules.
N - Don't tell me - Health and Safety. What happened to rum, sodomy and
the
lash?
H - As I explained Sir, Rum is off the menu, and there is a ban on
corporal
punishment.
N - What about sodomy?
H - I believe that is to be encouraged Sir.
N - Thank God for that - In that case - kiss me Hardy!
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